Monday, May 10, 2010

Woman.

Hello all!!! Today, I want to talk about something that I’ve wanted to talk to for a while. It is something that pertains to everyone, whether you are one of these or not. Woman. A creature with many intricacies, delicacies, twists and turns. Out of all of God’s creations, none has mystified man more than his counterpart, woman.

I’ve been surrounded by woman my whole life. Yes, I have both a father and a mother. However, for the first years of my life (that I remember), I only saw my dad in the afternoons after he had finished work. He then went to rest, as he is a fragile person, even now (he has a sense of superhuman quality to him despite this). He went to rest, and I usually did not see him after dinner. My mother was the one who attended to my every whine and complaint. Later on, my parents opened a grocery store together, so I, as a seven year old, stayed with them till they went home. Two years later, my dad still worked long hours in the store, but my mom was “free” to take care of us back home (I have two sisters) and so, I saw less and less of my father and more and more of my mother. I feel this is one of the reasons why me and my father are not as close as I am with my mother. Anyway, my mother raised me, taught me, punished me, hugged me. My dad could not be there because of work, so my mom had to take over the role of first guardian. Even now I confide more in my mom than I do with my dad.

Growing up with two sisters is not easy. They are almost as old as I am, since I am the oldest and they differ by a year, so my older younger sister is a year younger and my younger younger sister is two years younger than me. We were peers and grew up at the same rate. Although we talked and played with dolls and action figures together, it was not the same as having someone who understands you like a brother would. The difference between man and woman became somewhat apparent here, with my sisters liking to doll themselves up and such while I liked to be rough and be active. Also, due to problems making friends with kids in school, I became more reclused and so I did not develop good social habits, which helped distinguish me between my sisters and I, and even with the rest of my cousins my age. However, I did pick up certain habits, or more accurate to say, influences. Because of being surrounded by girls, I did know some basic girl things, and this knowledge extended into adolescence, like make-up, boy talk, etc. I am bad at picking up more advanced things, but still, a certain amount of influence stuck on me. I am not like a typical male; I am not really interested in cars, or sports, or any of that kind of thing. I like cooking, something typically seen as a womanly thing, and I also have a knack for artistic expression, as seen through the painstaking work I do on powerpoints so that they look visually appealing. I am sensitive, almost to a fault at times. I don’t consider myself a manly man, but just a guy. I can be pretty feminine at times, due to some mannerisms. It is strange to think of myself and identify myself more with women than with men, or at least used to be able to, since now I am somewhat more into what are considered “manly” things, although my core essentials have not changed.

Now to talk about other women. I’ve always had a problem talking to girls. Sure, back then when I didn’t need to worry about sociability and things like that, I was a happy kid. My first friend (in kindergarten, I had a friend in preschool but I never saw him again) was a female, and we were good friends until first grade, when she moved. That began my time of not having friends, which ran all the way until high school. Being a social recluse does not help in making friends, especially girls, who are different from guys. I first began looking at girls in a different way early on, actually. I remember having a crush on my student teacher, and a sort of pseudo-crush on a girl in fifth grade. However, that was only a child thing, puppy love. The first inklings of something more came in seventh grade, when I started thinking about this one girl more and more, but it wasn’t a true crush, since I liked how she looked, but I didn’t like her. This is something important because the way I view people depends on my mood and I can also separate personal feelings from cold analysis (usually). Then came eighth grade. This one girl, everyone liked. And how could they not? A transfer student, so she was virtually unknown, and good looking to boot! However, my attention was not caught until some time after February, and then it was like BAM! “I like this girl”. I was far too shy to ever work up any sort of courage to talk to her though. Then came high school. Second semester of freshman year, I saw this one girl, and it was love at first sight! I was mesmerized, I could not control my feelings. Sure, there were a couple of fairly good looking girls in my school, but that didn’t matter. I either didn’t like their attitudes, and thus were not appealing to me beyond a physical level, or they were taken, or I just wasn’t interested. But this one girl, she flipped my world upside down. It took 3 more years to actually express myself, but since I had never really talked to her before, it freaked her out, and now I sort of regret the way I went around telling her. But it was a learning experience for me. The feelings I had for this girl persisted for a time after that, in fact, until the beginning of this very school year. I can say that this girl was my first crush, definite and total. I am glad that I had enough courage to tell her though, even if indirectly. During this same time, some girls were talking to me and I began coming out of my shell. Of course, they joked around, I joked around, and the manner in which me and them spoke was…….let’s just say it’s not something that is common. This would be a problem in college. Going to college was, among other things, earth-shattering. Strictly talking to women, I was thrust into a position where I was talking to a girl for many hours as my small circle of friends became my new family. Before college, I had problems talking to girls especially, because I got shy around them, especially if I considered them attractive. Rapid exposure in college as well as carryover from high school mostly melted away that shyness. Being in a dorm where the whole top floor was girls also made me get used to talking to girls in a non-joking manner, especially since I didn’t know them very well. However, with my close female friend I made several mistakes and we have fallen apart. Regrettable but in a way it was unavoidable for a person like me to commit mistakes along the way, and I try to learn from them even though some of the same mistakes are cropping up again now. However, I am now far more sociable than I used to be, no longer the kid I was in high school, and I have several female friends. I am not as close to them due to fear of messing up again as well as me just being more compatible with the guys, but I have grown closer to them in certain aspects and I hope that the future will grant me the ability to make very good female friends.

As for what I think about women? They are very interesting. My experiences with my mother differ from those with my sisters and of my peers. I am bad at picking up social cues or any kind of hint for that manner. I can be a pretty dense person. I still cannot understand women well like other people can or have that inner connection with them. However, I can talk to women on a certain level and so far that works for me. I am confused by woman, to be honest. I do not see the point in many of the things they do. What is the point of carrying a large bag? It is useful to have a space to carry utilities, but many of those things seem useless. Of course, now that I can see more details I know that a woman might at any time use their lipstick or whip out a nail filer, like I have seen my sisters do. Other things like interests of women boggle my mind, like how women say they want a nice man but go after the disrespectful men instead. It is a paradox. The belief that women are complicated is not totally unfounded, although it can be exaggerated to dangerous heights. However, some things I can understand, like their sensibility, or the imagining of the pains that only women can bear, or even their trauma. If someone ever tried to do anything to my sisters I know I would be to their defense, but what happens to them, to their feelings? It is not the same for a man to be assaulted and a woman to be raped, and sometimes it is hard for men to understand what exactly rape entails. I can see that some women are strong but not all women can be that strong, just as like not all men can be strong, and their strength manifests in different ways. I can also appreciate the role of the mother more than that of the father, and can sympathize more with a mother than I can with a father. However, my understanding of woman is inevitable, like my understanding of men, lacking. I am similar to both but ultimately am not fully either. In the end, women on a basic level are like men- they want the same things at the end of the day and they have the same needs. Looking at it another way, women and men complement each other by giving what the other lacks. I appreciate what a woman is, and even though they confuse me at times, I know the world is more interesting with women around. I didn’t expect to talk so much about my experiences with women, but I hope that at least it gave you something to think about, as well as more insight into my mind.

My father once told me- “There is no such thing as an ugly woman. All women are beautiful”. Usually me and him don’t see eye to eye.

But I think this time, he may be right.

(Until next time! And Happy [late!] Mother’s Day!!!)

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