I am a man of many faces. This is pretty redundant, since we all are complex beings. However, I like acting all dramatic, so yea.
Now let’s get serious (see what I did there?). Anyway, I want to share some thoughts about seriousness-ness and how it relates to me.
I am a man of many faces. To the outside world, I can appear happy, sad, cold, excited, strong, cowardly, etc. To my friends, I usually show a different side of me. Like I’ve mentioned before, I show my emotions too much at times, and this can be overbearing for the people around me. I have managed to keep those impulses under control more though, and I’ve learned how to better play the social game. But I digress. I try to act as jovial as I can among my friends. Why? One of the reasons is because I do not want to be overbearing with my emotional problems. I would rather work at them alone until I can reach a satisfactory conclusion, and if my problems involve other people, then I go talk to those people. But my problems should not cause anxiety in my friends. I have learned my lessons from freshman year with what it means to be emoting all the time.
However, there is another reason, perhaps a reflection of my cynical side. I am by nature a serious person, and a very paradoxical one at that. I have grown up alone, mostly because I had no friends until high school. I am used to solitude and if left alone, will retreat to it. However, I do feel a pain of being alone, and all those years of loneliness left me somewhat bitter when it comes to social interactions, as well as a craving of being in that social world. If left on my own, I retreat into my own world, alone, and yet I begin to yearn for social interaction. The only way to fight this is to take the poison slowly; that is, immerse myself in society. Due to my solitude, there are many things about people and interactions that I do not yet know (although I am improving!), so it is sometimes hard to have friends, but all in all, I enjoy being in the light instead of hidden in the dark, so to speak.
Being unable to completely express myself causes some problems, so I am frequently misunderstood in my intentions. I don’t mean to, but what can I do, right? This means that I have to pick my words carefully sometimes to get my point across. But it’s such a big hassle. So I decided that I won’t be serious and not try to convey any deep expression; instead, they will see me as a jolly guy who just likes joking around. The types of jokes I usually make (perverted/dirty jokes and a hint of flamboyant gay) sometimes bother people, but it’s how I adapted to my new social atmosphere, and also due to influence from back home. I try to be as non-serious as I can.
However, this isn’t the main reason why I am not serious. I remember when I was younger, when I used to talk to people, trying to talk to them about my likes. I was very passionate, and still am to some extent, although not as much as when I was younger. I talked plentiful about my love for astronomy, my favorite activities, etc. You know how kids can be. This had the unfortunate side effect of making people think I was annoying. Sure, I probably was, and possibly sounded pompous, what with my mouth running all the time. But it was not done out of any negative feeling, but due to being passionate. Still, this rejection left a deep impression on me, and still continues to this day. That is when I began retreating away from my peers. The same thing happened at home. My cousins would have none of that, and my parents were not interested in my ramblings. I became a lonely, sad, angry, bitter kid. I started developing a sort of superiority complex, since all I did was think, and it led me to think about things that can be considered more important than the latest TV show or song, like contemplation of our existence and our role in it. Still, I tried talking to people, but I soon realized that people do not want to think about those things. It’s not something that can be so casually discussed at dinner or remarked at a party. I became more of an introvert, decided that most people were incapable of discussing these types of things, not realizing what I know now. I considered the masses as mere sheep, unintelligent, and not worth my attention. I would not waste my time, I thought, trying to talk to people if they were inferior to me, so I decided to not talk to them about serious things. Of course, I had a serious exterior, hardened by bitterness, but by high school I decided to loosen up. I remember my peers in 8th grade telling me to loosen up, that I was too uptight. If they can only see me now……. Anyway, I managed to abandon my icy exterior, but my previous experiences have taught me not to talk about what I loved talking about most. Of course, I met a friend in HS, and he is still my best friend. I am grateful that he has been there to withstand my silliness and stupidity and has watched me grow. With him I actually can talk about serious topics, even if for just a bit. But for me, that makes me feel so much better. In college too, I have found people whom I can talk to in a serious fashion. However, it is really impossible for me to talk to my heart’s content about philosophy and theology (people’s passions change, right?) so the only one I can talk to about this is my good cousin, whom I consider like my brother.
I feel that if I don’t act serious, then people will just talk to me like a normal person, and that what I say they can interpret as jokes. Some of them tell me to act more serious, but I say no, because returning to my serious ways is something I would rather avoid. I don’t want to act like I used to back then. I still feel that if people don’t want to take the time to talk to me about something serious, why waste my time? I want my thought to, if not to be completely understood, to at least be heard and given some thought. I may seem as a silly person, and I am, but at heart I am serious, to a fault. I have not been able to balance myself, but for now, I am fine. It’s a struggle that will continue on. Till then, I will wait until I can express my serious side alongside my non-serious side.
To talk about these things….it takes me back a bit. I am glad I can get my views out through this site here, it affords me a freedom that is otherwise not possible as of yet. So now you know just a bit more about me. But I will remain enigmatic, because it’s more fun to know me as a mysterious wise man. So go on, enjoy your life! Why so serious?